Unraveling 'The Me'

I believe that if ever there was a moment of total transformation, it was the moment of our birth. In that instant, we stepped through a door in time into a new reality -the reality of human life,the moment when the curtain goes up in our lives
How do we speak about ourselves? I doubt anyone, or for the matter, I, could define myself, let alone clearly distinguish my likes and dislikes and sketch myself in words, without an external help. The biggest of all our questions  ' Who am I', is always left unanswered. And we always make vague yet willing attempts to answer it. And that's what I am trying too. Not to answer the question of who I am, but rather to sketch me quite as I know, having taken a great deal of help from around :))

There are times when I seem to enjoy my solitude and prefer to work alone. I need time to contemplate my ideas without the intrusion of other people's thoughts. I keep saying that I am  a lone wolf, a person who lives by her own ideas and methods. As a result, close associations are difficult for me to form and keep. I need my space and privacy, which, when violated, can cause me great frustration and irritation.
But here's the twist, People who know me, wouldn't call me a loner, let alone the fact that I like working alone. For them, I am a people's person. But, I have distinct limits. While I am generous in social situations, sharing my attention and energy freely, I am keenly aware of the need to 'come off stage' and return to the solitude of myself.

I associate peace with the unobtrusive privacy of my world. And what is my world, I decide and that stays. Therefore, intimacy is difficult for me, because I guard my inner world like a mother lion does her cubs.And when someone becomes a part of that world, then, that's another story.

All this privacy and aloneness can cause isolation and loneliness, at times, but I am completely aware that its my choice. I can be aware of emptiness in my life, a part of me that yearns for company and close companionship that may be unsatisfied. But around this wall of mine, I have a zillion people, friends. And with in, a numbered few.

The story of a person who finds it difficult to say 'No'. I remember a teacher telling me- If you do not want to say 'yes', never hesitate to say 'No'. But well, I don't seem to have understood that properly. I am sometimes amazed by the number of calls I receive from friends, when they are in need, or when they merely need someone to listen to them. That's what I have been - A listener. And a diplomatic one at it too... I act at times as the 'feel good factor'. And at moments of great frustration, I call myself the paracetamol.

I am the ultimate mixture of all opposites that I have ever seen. He he... And I seem to like it that way :))
To be a loner at heart and a peoples person too. It makes every one happy.
For now- This would do...

Not just any other day

There's something about today...
There's this cold breeze that creeps in to my room,
There's the chill that it brings.
There's something about the day I'll never forget

Weird, I just sit here, as always staring at this lil lit screen of mine and to find myself want to finish off all my drafts. But instead now I make a new post. There's something I need to say, yet so untrue to how I feel, I don't know what to say. For the first time in  my life, I am lost for words. That strange feeling you get when what you want to say is stuck right at your throat.

So, I opt out- the messages simple- I think there's this one point of exasperation that everyone goes through...
And today, just minutes back, I happened to get a note of how exasperated one could be with everything around...Somehow that one drew in directly through the skin without the brain having to register it.


Not just any other day
 
There's something about the day,
Something that eats me up.
There's something to the words delivered,
Something that pushes me off.
I told you, there's something about the day..
Something that I'l never forget..

P.S- This post has been revived from the draft after weeks of being there...

Twain the hero :D

Mark Twain...
I'm flabbergasted with the amount of 'nonsense' ( according to the prevailing social standards) that this man has amounted to say. But somehow it has increased my respect for the man.. So here goes some of them..

1."Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
So true Mr.Twain, so true- perfectly worded. Bravo!

2."Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."
Ha Ha Ha.. true.

3."I like a thin book because it can steady a table, a leather volume because it will strop a razor, and a heavy book because it can be thrown at a cat."
And who ever thought he would say that? I wonder what he used for squatting flies.

4."When angry, count four. When very angry, swear."
What the....? he he

5.''A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.''
So So true..

6.''A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.''
There again..

7.''A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.''
See see you skeptics..

8.''Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.''
Ahaa!

9''Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.''
Ya

10.''Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.''
True he he


11.''As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.''
Hmph he had a way of saying everything

12.''I haven't any right to criticize books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.''
OMG he was er I can't find the right word...sensational?

13.''All right, then, I'll go to hell.''
Oh ok :D- He said that too :D

To Worlds End

Even clipped wings dream of soaring high up in the blue sky.
Cos ultimately, all of us are human beings with small minds but bigger dreams. What makes us more focussed on our dreams? What defines them for each one of us is different. I belive in the beauty of shared dreams, because sometimes dreams we dream for a loved one has more of drive power than dreams that we make on for our sake- you dont have to agree :))


But to times when you can no longer see the dream, when in the scorching sun you have no shade, in the dizzy times you have no hand, in the fall no one to break...
Some dreams lose their luster in time.. But I still believe that there's nothing as strong as a dream driven by love. To you it would turn dull, but I would still go on for the one I care for. Its not just a promise, its my reason for being alive!
For now, I know I'v been reading essentially the same book, in a different cover, sporting a different blurb...




Away...
Away, Away and Away,
To where the world ends, to where the sky and the sea meets,
To where the night and day makes no difference,
To where existence is no longer the priority,
To where sunshine and shadow no longer exists..
To-Worlds End :)))

Strange, but one night a few months back, I just died and no one realized..

I woke up one night, a few months back, from a dream I had. I'd probably fallen off to sleep on the carpet. I would have usually gone off to sleep on any other day, but that day was different. I cant recall exactly why ( and even if I do, I don't want to tell you), but I think I just wanted to be there on the carpet, where I had been painting something.

No, I am not a great painter. Sometimes I even wonder if we can draw a painting and paint a drawing :))
So you see, I am not so much of a Picasso :) But there are times when I can afford to be impressed by what my brushes can create on the paper. And all these happen when I draw something for one of my sisters or my mom.I believe that when I do something for one of those people who mean a lot to me, I give to it my heart and soul.

OK, now after that long paragraph lets get back to the topic. So I was there in my room painting away to glory and I guess I should have fell asleep sometime into it. And I had a dream which I can not recollect right now( Or rather I don't have the will to recollect). But never the less mid-flight, the dream woke me up. With out an idea of where I was, I opened my eyes to a source of bright white light. I had been in some dark cavern in my dream I guess, for if a tube light had to be this bright, I wonder where else I could have just come from.

I just lay there for some time, still unaware of where I was. And slowly my eyes faded the bright light and it seemed like I was back in the cavern again. But this time my ears picked up all the sounds around me. I could hear my heart pounding against my ribs, and then the fan , the sweat drop trickling down my neck- yes I heard that too. Slowly the darkness went back again and the bright light returned, spend a few more minutes and the tube, the static fan, the unfinished painting, and the 'rolled-up me', all came into my vision one by one.Thats when I realized, that I couldn't possibly hear my heart, for I had given it off for safe keeping, or that I couldn't hear the fan in my room, cos I never turn on the fan in my room, and later on as sense returned, that I dint sweat that night either.

I just got up, sleeping on the floor had made me kind of numb. I climbed down the stairs ( yes I climbed down) and went to sleep next to my lil sister, to the warmth and the safety of my loved ones. Sleep never came soon though and when it came, I went back to the world of imagination. I couldn't possibly explain. I dreamt of all my fears coming true, all my insecurities, all my notions.. In fact, all those things I never would have wanted to even think of, were now visually backed up too.

I relearned my alphabets.I startlingly realised how as a kid I couldn't remember just one single letter from the alphabets and would trembling, recite the alphabets before a stick wielding tutor, who made sure that the skin on my palms and knees were deep red each time I repeated my own 25 lettered alphabet group- having forgetten just one of them. And since then I hate the letter. It grew up behind my head and now re-manifested in a better way.

As the darkness outside gave way to the yellow sunshine, I woke up again.
I climbed the stairs back to my room, I had a tooth brush somewhere there too. I keep a number of toothbrush in and around the house for easy accessibility in the mornings, cos thats the part of the day when I am the laziest and the least in senses. :D

I opened the door to my room, the always cluttered room was now so neat and pristine. The chaos from the past few days had gone and in the middle of the room sat my painting, all complete. It stood out in the eerily spotless room. I walked closer to the painting, I hadn't completed it last night, so much I knew. And as I was intensely studying the painting, someone came out from my bathroom and walked to the wardrobe. I pulled out one of my favorite grey t shirt from it. Grey is my fav color for dresses, it helps me feel confident and good when I am not very much in my elements.

Wait a minute, I just told you that I was watching over my painting and at the same time took out a tee from the wardrobe, and that someone just came out from my bathroom??? OK, so I was in my room, when I came out of the bathroom. Means there was a replicate of me. And as I stood there watching, my mobile beeped to notify a message that I just received.
As I walked closer to the mobile, the other me took it. She read the message ( or do I say' I read the message'?) and gave a swift reply- 'Yup in 20. Doodly Woodly. As you say :)'. Soon packed her bag ( My bag) had her breakfast and left.

I went back upstairs, and brushed my teeth wondering that since I had more than one toothbrush why I never collectively called them my 'teeth brush'. Yes not the perfect timing for such thoughts especially when I had an another me who just walked out of my home, in my dress, with my mobile, having had my breakfast. Great! So I went down to my mother who was busy preparing lunch and told her '' Ma, there are two me's''
She dint look my way, was too busy in the cooking, or so I thought.

 The lil one just came back from the gate. Had gone to open the gate for the other me to leave, obviously taking her for me. So I thought I'l tell her first. As she sat watching the T.V I joined her and told her ' Vavachi, there's something I got to tell you, its scary. There's this another me, you just opened the gate for her' . My sister dint look my way either. I wondered what happened to her. I went back to my room and opened the ward robe, thought maybe a bath might help wash the dream off. I was convinced that this was a bad dream.
After the wash, I came back to my room, and as I looked into the mirror I saw no me but the beige wall behind. I looked again. No me! I tried all the mirrors at home. Nothing seemed to pick me up :D


I learned that day what it meant to be petrified. I roamed the house, sat with my sister, slept on moms lap, cried... I watched over them through the day. And as evening came, the other me came. Family time :) I loved how ma's and sudhi's face lit up on seeing the other me. Jealousy hit me. That wasn't me, they just think its me.It was unfair- but probably it was always the same, I just dint notice it before.

The other me was talking to them all about today. I wanted to do that. I was the one who always did that. Its strange but now that I can't, there's nothing, that I more want. I wanted to swap the situation with her. Anything to go back. But that was impossible. I saw how she kept replying to the texts that were for me. Everything that was mine now belonged to her. I just went back to my room, and curled up on the carpet once again. I could still feel the wetness on it from the sweat. But wait it wasn't sweat, cos now I just realized that its not sweat that comes through the eye :D

Strange, but one night a few months back, I just died, and no one realized...

HOLLOWED FROM TEARS REFRAINED.

Strange but how my heart needs nothing more,
When lo and behold its no longer my own.
If there was a window that opened or maybe a door,
That could trade me places to things that have long gone.
I'd with pleasure open em all,
Just to be there, where I always was.
But now that I have survived this fall,
I'v not much choice but to go on, cos here there's no sub-clause.
Drowned in this fragments of my brain
I'm stuck, hollowed, and from tears I try to refrain.


p.s:- A fragment of my brain, you call it imagination and illusion -But I write in puns.

Beneath the skin, beyond perception..

Thoughts Unleashed.

Why, I think no more..A cluttered, unclear and blurred mind- these words would be apt I guess.

Four posts-half typed in, Hundreds of messages in draft-unsent...Well, so what good does it do to anyone??? If it doesn't hurt you then I'd rather you dont bother, cos for me it will be a reason to try be more organised. Because one soul who cares is one soul answerable to.

I know whats happening, its like they say- an idle mind is the devils workshop.

But I...Ha, I am more eviler than devil himself, yes you can bet on that, cos for now, all I wonder is- What's in devils mind?I seriously pray for 'devils sake', that he doesn't sit idle at all :D

Now if this dint catch you unawares my dear reader, then ha! am sure you dint read at all :))

Thoughts Unleashed

Beneath the skin, beyond perception,

there does exist an another me, an another you...

Ha! And in the madness of the race if you did behold,

perhaps you'd see, lurking beneath the skin, beyond perception,

An another being, so much not you.

Till I die, and even after...

Today was one of those days that recently, I find myself more in. And so, I decided the day would be better spent on making my room more 'room' like . Which of course included painting it.And so, there I was, away from all sorts of 'technology', perched on an ladder, in a steaming room and trying hard to not make the room messier, and there comes my mom, after successfully completing all her house hold works for the day. I switched on the music in my phone, because I could sense the growing silence...I was just too tired for words, or so I felt. I guess ma could sense my energy ebbing away too, for she offered to help me. And took away the can of paint and the brush from me, and started painting those parts of the wall that was accessible to her. And I took to observing her. How despite being tired herself, she was taking the pain to see that the tired, coughing and fever-way-bound 'me' was taking enough breaks.

My mom, she has always meant the world to me, she was my best friend, my all weather friend, the only person on earth I am never insecure about- for I know, be what ever she would be with me, for ever. It was bliss to sit with her every evening, and to sleep beside her in the nights, reciting like  a parrot all the events of that day. It's been so long, those moments of ours.. and watching her there, I just realized how much I miss those times. What with college, million activities, sports, late night studies, assignments- I never found time to go sit there beside my ma. But now, that I am done with college, now that I have kept everything at a stand still, I finally get to spend more time with my mom.

Tired but forgetting all that, she was up there to help me. The lady who had always sacrificed every lil happiness that she was due, to make sure her two daughters would have the best lives, best education, and best future. She would work tirelessly to make the home spotless, take the two of us to school, for tuition, spend her hours of sleep, awake to listen to our stories..Shes been an angel, my mom :')

Tonight, I am more convinced that I wouldn't survive without her around. From waking up late in the morning, sleeping late in the night, and having the most unclean room in town, to not eating on time, she has always had to bear with me. Her loving means of trying to civilize me, of being my guiding light through all my dark times.

There were times her shoulders were wet by my tears, when her hands pulled me back up when I missed a step, when through her undemanding love she had made me feel like a princess, when her lap was my solace, her words my motivation, her presence my energy, her smile the biggest award on earth...

I just wanted to tell you mom, how much you mean, and forever will.And to thank you for everything you've ever done, for being there, for making me what I am, for being My Mom.

Loads of love,

Me

Till I die and even after

The sun comes up again, just like it did yesterday.

I'll wake up to your call, have the tea that you had made me,

Watch as you gracefully, transform the den into a home,

Listen to your songs, follow you around like a puppy.

Get on your way as much I do on your nerves,

Make faces, act the lil kid, dance, jump in a  puddle, be a spoilt brat

But, I'll love you like no one else does,

I'll be your lil princess, forever mom,

Till I  die and even after...